


Star Wars: The Fall of Skywalkers

by Cherrydragon26



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: A lot - Freeform, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Dialogue-Only, Other, Parody, Sexual Jokes, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Spoilers, The dead Jedi are cranky old geezers in this, also making fun of everything and everyone, and they don't help anyone until the last second, because that is my jam sometimes, ok boomers, some dark humor too', than anything else, this is more like a rant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-01-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:06:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22024555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cherrydragon26/pseuds/Cherrydragon26
Summary: Or in the wise words of C-3PO: "Will this agony ever end?!"
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	Star Wars: The Fall of Skywalkers

**Author's Note:**

> I had a lot of feelings while watching this movie. Negative feelings, unfortunately. This is just my my meta commentary that I angrily shouted at the screen while in the cinema. And got thrown out of the said cinema because of it. (Just kidding!)............(Or am I?). And my way of venting and hopefully you either agree with me and also laugh a bit. Or you don't, but you still enjoy reading this. Or at least that is what I am aiming and hoping for. Don't judge me.
> 
> P.S. There is some dialogue from the movie, but it does not belong to me. I am only using it in entertainment purposes, and I am not getting any money out of this. Just personal satisfaction. So just move along and don't sue me ya?

**A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.....**

**Apparently someone found a necromancer and started reviving everyone that died in the last nine movies (excluding Rogue One and Solo) along with but not limited to: Palpatine, Carrie Fisher as Leia and a Force ghost, Han Solo as a vision or a drug induced hallucination, Luke Skywalker as the next contender for Jesus (along with Obi-wan), Porgs who are not my dinner nor Chewie's, Darth Vader's mask which still looks like shit and will not see better days, Finn who wants to die for a cause but no one lets him (the last time it was Rose, this time it was Lando), Poe who just cheats death with pure charm, Maz Kanata who is just there and also carries something totally important to the plot, J.J. Abrams who strikes again but does not land a hit (nostalgia boner does not work this time), The Death Star in the shape of a fleet of ships! (Can't wait for Episode XX where they show us a Death Star as a toilet seat that destroys your anus), Knights of Ren who were somehow members of the Palpatine Sith ~~fan club~~ sect along with Kylo Ren ~~fan club~~ (and you can bet they were lusting over Vader in secret, those dirty horny traitorous bastards), disembodied voices of dead Jedis, Yoda who returns after his spectacular light show in the last movie, C-3P0 who still does not know when to shut up and is somehow still alive, R2-D2 who is still the same small badass droid he was before, Snoke who is actually Palpatine! Or like a clone of.... Palpatine? Mutant hybrid of some species with Palpatine's gene? Or like his nephew, cousin from his mothers side.... or something, Or he could be Sheev, Rey who dies but comes alive again as a zombie! (I wish), and Kylo Ren who does not come back alive. And never will. Nope. Not a chance. He is a goner.**

**Unfortunately it does not revive my interest in this trilogy or gives me 'hope' for the future of the Star Wars universe. Even if Mandalorian was pretty good. But I will need a bit more to actually forgive them for this travesty. Force help us all......**

* * *

"At last.... Snoke trained you well"

"Nuh-uh no he didn't. I killed him in like three seconds. There wasn't even an epic fight or anything. Like sure yes I cheated a bit, but you would expect someone that powerful would actually be smarter right? Apparently not"

***

"My boy.... I made Snoke. As I made you"

"What? EW that is gross! Wait does that mean you are my father?"

"Yessssss..."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..........................."

***

"What can you give me?"

"Myself"

"No thank you," proceeds to stab Palpatine and becomes One Sith to rule them all or something.

***

"But beware, she is not who you think she is"

"Who is she?"

"A boy"

"WHAT?! You mean to tell me I was gay all this time?!"

* * *

"How do we thank you?"

"Give me some porn!"

"Ups shit, the TIEs are coming we have to go! Sorry see you some other time!"

"Yeah, sure just don't forget my poooooorrrrnnnnnn!"

***

Rey floating in some forest, while meditating and levitating stones. "Be with me. Be with me."

_"Oh, Force please shut up!"_

_"I don't wanna!"_

_"Booooo, go away, nobody cares!"_

"Well that is pretty rude!"

_"Like we care. We are dead anyway, can't you just leave us alone?! Can't we get some peace at least in the afterlife! Gah, these youngsters really"_

_"Rude they all are. No manners at all, hmmmm"_

_"I agree, so just go away. We don't want to talk to you"_

"Okay fine whatever. I didn't need your help anyway, I am going to do everything by myself," Rey steps on the ground and walks away.

_"Guys was that really a good idea?"_

_"Who cares? They are going to be fine. They should solve their problems by themselves."_

***

"Tell me when you return," Leia says to Rey, while giving her a hug. Meanwhile in her head she thinks:

_I have sure fooled her! And everyone else! I am totally going to die on them and nobody will expect it! HAHAHAHAHA! I am so evil. Neither Palpatine or Vader can best me! I finally will not have to listen to her annoying nagging again. I am sick of it, sick of her and everyone else. When I see Luke and my father I am going to slap them and kill them all over again. And if I see Han I am going to slap him, ravish him silly then kill him again. Wait for me you suckers, I am going to start Hell in the after life, boys! Just you wait!_

Meanwhile Luke, Han and Vader were discussing possible ways to escape Leia's wrath, but that search comes up with nothing useful.

* * *

"Supreme Leader are you sure we should associate with these people on Exegol? I mean they all look like cult fanatics and murders to me," That comment makes everyone quiet down and look over the man who said that. The man blinks in confusion and surprise, letting out a word that almost sounds like a wail:" What?"

"You do know I also kinda belong to that kind of cult or a sect, don't you?" Kylo Ren says slowly, without any sign of anger, but everyone in the room winces nevertheless. The man looks utterly terrified and confused now, so he starts to babble:" Uh, yes of course sir, but you are different...."

"I don't think he is. But that doesn't matter, at everyone conference we have apparently it's the norm that someone has to get strangled. It almost became a tradition. This time it has been decided you should be the victim," The woman who liked Kylo Ren's helmet informed the now completely pale man, who tried to justified himself, but still ends up strangled on the ceiling.

***

"What is he asking for in return?"

Kylo Ren starts to strangle and levitate the man to the ceiling. 

"Supreme Leader, he is actually asking a good question, maybe you could give us an answer?" One of his subordinates asks, and for a moment Kylo Ren is silent. Then he also strangles that motherfucker, tells everyone else they will begin the attack, and strolls out of the room.

***

"This mission is everything, we cannot fail"

"Then why haven't you sent more people?" Someone asks while Leia, Rose and the Happy rebel look at him in utter surprise. The rebel only shrugs and says:" What? It is a valid question," and walks away Force knows where, while everyone else is left in silence.

***

"Do me a personal favor be optimistic"

"I am not optimistic I am Happy"

Both Rose and Leia look at him, but he only shrugs in response. "Don't ask me I don't know what I am talking about either"

***

"I don't like bones," Poe declares

"Why not, it is a good series," Rey answers, but when her answer is met with silence, she smacks her head with a hand and giggles to herself. "Sorry wrong universe," she apologizes and continues like nothing out of the ordinary happened. 

***

"I am taking one last look at my friends," C-3PO says sadly, while someone in the crowd shouts:" They are not your friends! Your friends are dead!"

***

"Ren's Destroyer"

"He's here?"

"Well a part of him yes"

"A part of him?"

"Nevermind"

***

"Why the hell does Rey fuck off to who knows where all the time?" Finn asks angrily, while they are looking for Chewy. "No idea, maybe she is meeting with her boyfriend," Poe deadpans, making Finn stop in his tracks. "Boyfriend? Since when did she had one?"

"Since the Last Jedi I think. Before you were a good contender, but for some reason they shipped you and me more," Poe answers nonchalantly, and proceeds to open the door to the cell. "Huh. I didn't know that. Wait so then who is her boyfriend?" Finn asks now intrigued.

"Kylo Ren"

"What that little fucker?! How dare they I will....." Before he finishes the sentence Poe stops him. "You better not finish that."

"What do you mean? Why not?"

"You do not want to see fangirls defend their favorite ship. It is madness"

***

"Wherever you are, you are hard to find"

"Wait, if we have a bond, how the hell can't you sense where I am?"

"I don't know"

"Oh, I see. Well forget about it then"

***

"Hey Hugs, where is that guy who gave us the information you sent?"

"Don't call me that. And him..... well he is dead"

"Ah, a shame. I should have given him some porn then. Now I regret it"

"Porn? Which porn?"

"Don't know. He didn't really specify it. We didn't really have much time to discuss it. Now it doesn't matter because he is dead"

"Poor guy"

***

"You are a boy"

"What? I am not!"

"You aren't? But Palpatine said....."

"That lying little......" Ren swears a lot for a bit, and then sigh in relief. "Good, I don't have to have a sexual identity crisis"

"Though I maybe gender fluid"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

***

Rey comes closer, knock Kylo out, slices his hand and jumps on the Millenium Falcon, after avoiding every blaster shot pointed at her. "I took your hand now," She says mockingly to no one in particular, while looking down at the severed hand of Kylo Ren.

***

"Finn!" Poe burst into the room, shouting, while Finn is already on his legs. "Has Rey gone off alone again?"

"Yeah, how did you know?" Poe asks confused, while both of them quickly get out of the ship. "I had a feeling," Finn answers with a shrug. "What you Force sensitive now?" Poe asks teasingly, but when Finn doesn't answer he grows serious instantly. "Since when? How?"

"J.J. Abrams decided it would be a good idea. And I suppose since the beginning of the movie. Or maybe the middle, I didn't really get more details"

Poe only nods and they come to the shore.

***

"Well I am not Leia"

"You are damn right about that," Finn answers and walks away angrily. Poe looks up at the sky, raising his hands and shouting for everyone to hear:" Please someone save me from angsty Force-wielders, Jedi or Sith, whatever," Before following after Finn, grumbling to himself.

***

"You wanted to prove to my mother you were a Jedi, but you proved something else"

"What? That I am a boy? A Sith? Don't make me laugh. I haven't done anything remotely bad, to suddenly change my alliance from the Light to Dark. I was only stressed okay. And I mean Chewy is alive, so that doesn't count."

"That is actually a good point. And I thought we established you were a girl"

"Who can tell nowadays?"

***

"Give it to me!"

"Where?" Kylo says, and Rey raises an eyebrow in confusion, before she gets it. "Eww! Please don't come near me again. I don't want to see your ugly face again!" She says and almost runs away from very confused looking Kylo Ren.

***

"Hey kid. Guess what? I am a Force ghost now, baby!"

"How? You never could use the Force. And not to mention you were never a Jedi"

"Beats me. Someone up above thought it was a good idea I come down here, so here I am. Wanna talk?"

"No"

"Okay then I suppose my work is done. See ya soon"

"Wait what do you mean..." Before Kylo could finish Han Solo was already gone.

***

_"Why do Skywalkers have such bad manners when it comes to lightsabers? You should keep it, and protect it, not throw it away like a toy!"_

_"Maybe it's the symbolism"_

_"Symbolism, my ass! He now doesn't have a weapon! How is he going to protect himself if he wants to help Rey?"_

_"That is a good question. Should we warn him of that?"_

_"No, he won't listen anyway"_

_"Agreed"_

_"Agreed"_

* * *

_"A Jedi weapon deserves more respect"_

"Look who's talking about respect for a weapon"

Luke only silently watches her.

"So why are you here to help me? Like you helped me before? Well I am not listening to it. Go away, I don't care who sent you, just leave me alone"

 _"Okay, whatever you say. But remember if you go down this path you will end up like me. Living alone on an uninhabited island with no friends and family, drinking titty milk. Do you really want to end up like that? And you can't grow this awesome beard, so just imagine how you would look like,"_ Luke says before disappearing, leaving Rey to ponder over his words.

"He is right. I don't want to end up like him," Rey thinks to herself with conviction already forming a plan how to get off this island.

***

"He is receiving transmitions from Master Luke"

"Well when he can touch a lightsaber and lift objects, why couldn't he send messages too? It's not like it matters that he is dead, it seems"

***

"Come on buddy, we need you"

_"Will I get a medal this time?"_

The man shrugs:" Who knows, maybe? I think you're first priority would be staying alive. After all, the old guard is dead except for you and the droids. I think you should watch out for yourself"

_"That's a good point. Thank you"_

"Your welcome"

***

"Hey, wait a minute! Kylo, man before you kill us all, can you just answer one question?"

"What is it Knight of Ren number 1?"

"Ouch, that hurt, I felt that deep. But what I wanted to ask, how the hell do you have a lightsaber now? I mean the Force can do a lot of things, but not make things appear out of thin air, or make something out of nothing. So what gives man? What kind of magic trick are you using?"

"It's not a trick. It's my bond with Rey. It enables me to see her, and touch her and stuff. Also apparently we can teleport things too"

"You know that doesn't make sense at all. And it is clear you don't know anything either. So let's just proceed with this fight, at least that isn't too complicated"

***

"Psst, Ben how are we still alive?"

"I don't know. I think we shouldn't question it, who knows how long it will last"

"Yeah you are probably right. Let me rest for a bit, before I face Sheev. It will be more dramatic"

"Sure I will cover for you"

"Thanks, much appreciated"

***

"Look at what you made"

"A monster?"

"An ugly old grampa?"

A Shevvy bommer?"

"A mistake?"

"An awful sequel?"

"Silence! That was a rhetorical question!"

***

"Be with me"

_"So guys, you think we should help her?"_

_"I don't see any more reason to stall. I think it is about time we do something"  
_

_"I agree. It is time for action"_

_"Oh alright. I suppose we dallied too long. Let's go and help them. Everyone in?"_

_"Yes"_

_"Then let's kick some Shevvy ass!"_

***

"I am the Senate!"

"Cut, cut! Hey that is not your line!"

"Sorry, sorry wrong script. Let me try again"

***

"I am inevitable"

"Come on man! Again? Really?"

"Sorry, it just slipped. Wrong movie. I'm not going to make that mistake again"

"You better not"

***

"And I am the Avatar"

"Come on! First Ian, now you! Get it together people!"

"I am so sorry. Wasn't on purpose I swear. Let me try again"

"Alright, but no blunders anymore, understand?"

"Yes"

***

"It's good Palpatine used the old I-will-throw-you-but-won't-check-if-you-are-dead scenario. If he didn't I probably wouldn't be alive. Let's go and use my healing tears to save my girlfriend. Or a first love's kiss that will bring her back for sure. And then we will get married, have hundred of babies and die old together. Good plan let's go with that"

***

They make out for a bit, then Ben dies. "What a cop out. I don't believe you! Ben Solo Skywalker, you wake up alive this instant or I will kick your ass! How the hell did you survive Palpatine and falling into the abyss, but not a little Force healing?! That's just bullshit! This is pointless! I am totally out of here!" Rey storms out, not looking back even once.

***

Maz gives Chewy a medal, and he stares at it for a minute. _"You know I am glad you didn't kiss me. I wouldn't be prepared for that like ever. And I mean I thank you for the medal, but it feels a bit pointless right now, don't you think? And isn't it a bit too late for it?"_

"Well if you don't want it, give it back"

_"Oh, no I am taking this with me. I just told you, what I really think of this, that is all"_

***

"BB-8 look at this! This tourist attraction in Tunis looks so real!"

"What do you mean it is real?!"

***

"Rey who?"

"Rey Palpatine"

The woman proceeds to shot her, and Rey tumbles over dead. She comes over and spits:" Good riddance"

***

"Rey Skywalker"

"Which Skywalker? The Force who impregnated Shmi? Shmi Skywalker who was a slave? Anakin Skywalker who was also a slave, then a Jedi, then a Dark Lord? Luke Skywalker who was a Jedi, then a recluse? Leia Skywalker who was a Princess, then a politician, then a General?"

"Uh, I only knew two of those really. Luke and Leia"

"Oh, then you are lucky. You meet one of the best Skywalkers. Welcome to Tatooine, I hope you like your stay here!"

"Thank you, I am glad to be here"

***

"So Rey if Palpatine is your grandfather who is your grandmother?"

"I don't want to know"

"But.."

"I DON'T WANT TO KNOW"

"Okay, okay sheesh. No need to get insulted"

"Just let's not talk about this again, okay?"

"Sure. Whatever you say Rey"

**Author's Note:**

> Of course I don't own this movie or it's characters, so just take it easy, ya? I am doing this for fun and my own psychological health, so cut me some slack, alright?


End file.
